I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
peak technology
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche