If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.