No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying