WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.