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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
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*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again