Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
jesus, what did this guy do
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”