I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.