I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant