Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
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To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
the noise i just made
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
oh no, steve’s working tonight