Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice