One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
This is why I hate group projects
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive