I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
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Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
12. I think about this all the damn time
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
😂😂😂