This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again