Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.