how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day