You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*