When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Check out the legs on this baby