17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
You Might Also Like
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!