Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
The glory of fall.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I think the cat got the dog high.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk