If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.