accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You Might Also Like
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.