Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
me and my fake scenarios
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there