[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house