Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.