(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Battery falling down a hole
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️