I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
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couldn’t resist
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
i wish all
whales
a very
big
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.