Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Those are good neighbors.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
“You’d better run, egg!”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Please do it!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.