[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
You Might Also Like
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.