*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
#NeverForget
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*