Unimpressed
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Good morning!
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.