BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea