I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ok like just. call me at this point
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.