Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel