“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
You Might Also Like
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.