Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.