If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
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Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.