Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Happy Febuary everyone!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Haha! 😂
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.