[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
the prophecies have been fulfilled