[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.