The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
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I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.