Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When you kidnap a writer.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty