If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…