Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
This is a sub tweet
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout