Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
This came to me in a dream.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Not😆🤣
at ease…shoulder.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Ovenable?
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle