An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions