“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
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[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*