I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I have a black belt in leather
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!