[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*