I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…