“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
You Might Also Like
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I think about this a lot
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.